Need advise on a friend.

[Glort]

This is going to be long and sound like a letter to a newspaper column but I'm a bit desperate to know what the right thing to do is.

I have a friend that I met at school which is 30+ years ago.

He's been like a brother to me and when my brother was Killed many years ago and I seriously thought I was going to loose the plot, this bloke was there for me in a way I can't describe but was instrumental in me ever getting over it.

That was one of many things he's been there for me with. Whenever I have been in the shit, he's been there with a shoulder to cry on and a helping hand of support and encouragement.

The last few years he's gone off on a tangent I nor anyone else seems to understand. Without droning on too much it's like he's been trying to prove to the world what a bigshot he's going to be. He's started various business which have all ended in disaster but the latest one has really put him in the shit. His failures have been 110% attributable to his pride, ignorance and refusal to do basic business practices and research.

The biggest concern I have is that he has never listened to anyone and always knows everything when it comes to these businesses. The failure of the latest one and the lead up to it has put a lot of pressure on his relationship and it looks like he and the long suffering GF are now living apart.

I love my mate but I have equal admiration for the GF. She is a damned hard worker that has put up with his shit through thick and thin, has stood by him, always supported him and wanted him to be happy and put his happiness before her own always. She is bright, intelligent and frankly I can't think of a negative thing to say about her or think of anything I could say she has done wrong. My mate has whined about petty shit with her before and I told him straight up, don't ever put shit on her around me because as far as I'm concerned you are bloody lucky to have someone like that to put up with your sorry arse.

I have said to everyone, them included that she's the best thing ever to happen to him but it looks like he may have finally broken the camels back.

My worry is that my mate is at a fork in the road of his life right now. If he lets his stupid ego guide him down the wrong Branch, basically I see his life is fked from here on in. It is that serious. He's a great guy but he's also an ignorant fking clown in a lot of ways. He had nothing either financially or assett wise when she came along and certainly no goals or ambition and he'll be a whole lot worse off without her.

I'm at the point where I -THINK- as a friend it's time to lay a lot of home truths on the line with him and try to wake him the hell up to himself. That's going to mean telling him a lot of things he will be insulted by and probably won't even accept. It's going to be a long shot getting through to him and frankly, If I tied him to a chair and smacked him round a I still have deep reservations about getting through to him.

He's a stubborn, ignorant twit who can't be told anything and I fear this could put his friendship with me very much on the line. It won't put my friendship on the line with him, If he wants to belt me in the face because I offend or upset him it won't change the things he has done for me over the years and would be insignificant to me trying to help him in what he has done for me. Far as I am concerned I'll always be his friend, question will be if he still wants to be mine.

The thing is I don't know how far to go with him. What is the right thing to do? Do I take him aside and hit him with a hammer if that's what it takes to get him back to reality or should I mind my own fking business or....?

There is nothing I wouldn't do for him including giving him a Kidney if he needed one but I'm really at a loss as to what is the right thing to do.

ATM he blames everything and every one for his failures ( except taking any responsibility himself of course) which were entirely a result of his own ignorance and ego. ATM he has lost all initiative and drive. He recently lost his mother and his licence (Again!) which as a truck driver really makes things difficult and now it seems he's about to loose the GF which will include his home and his life as it has been for the last 10 years. I'm really scared what will happen to him and where he'll end up if he dosent' wake up and take stock and responsibility for his own doings NOW.

I have discussed this at length with some other mutual friends and none of us have a clue what to do or how to help him and help is clearly what he needs. They say you can't help those that don't want to be and he doesn't but it's not a option. Something has to change his mindset and it has to be done right now.

I'm hoping maybe someone here can relate and give me some suggestions.

[BigGQWesty]

By the sounds of it, after all the stuff he's done for you, you need to put it in the line and try wake him up to himself..

But after seeing several if your little projects flourish use that as a basis leverage point and show him that with a bit if work things can work out.

Even if it does stretch the friendship a lot.

I don't think I'd be happy to see a life long friend crumble to nothing, especially if I had a chance to change his ways.

Sent from a device which doesn't always agree with my thumbs...

[Oldmate]

The biggest thing here is, he needs to understand that he is the reason it has gone to shit. If he doesnt understand that it won't matter what you do or say, CAUSE you are wrong! Know what i mean?

"Your quote"

ATM he blames everything and every one for his failures ( except taking any responsibility himself of course) which were entirely a result of his own ignorance and ego.

This needs to be what changes first. How you do that mate, i don't know. Good luck hope it works out for you all.

[Glort]

Thanks Guys.

I think you are both spot on.

I have said to other friends until he takes responsibility for his actions and doings nothing will change and I agree this is the first and most important step.

Making him realise that I think is the real dangerous part. He's adopted the Victim role of late and getting through to make him admit his mistakes and not have him put the " I'm getting picked on by my friends now" excuse into place will be a hard one.

I do know what you mean on that score Very well oldmate.

You have also picked up on this well Westy.

One of his bleatings ATM is that's he's too old to change and do something new. The irony as pointed out by another friend is that I'm actually a little older than him and I changed what I was doing this year and it's sure paid off. I'm also expecting the hard done by thing to come up which of course I'm all over given my background and his relative fairy tale one in comparison.

The guy has skills. I have never met a better born salesman and I CAN sell myself. He was the top car salesman in the country for his brand when he was doing that about 6-7 years ago and surprised everyone by going into the trucking industry. He went from rolling round in $100K+ cars someone else paid for and a " Cheap" $1000 Suit to an old shitty truck and a blue singlet and jeans. He then bought himself a $250K truck which was when the disaster really struck.

He went pig headed into a useless part of the transport game that Blind freddy could see was a sure looser and ignored profitable work that was thrown at him for no other reason than it wasn't what he wanted to do.

Even financial desperation wasn't enough to sway him which is something I'll never understand. I'd pick up dogshit with my bare hands if someone paid me enough. What I want or like doing is highly a secondary consideration when it comes to earning a living and providing for the family. I don't have any particular love for what I'm doing now but it's the best financial reward I can see so I do it.

Anyway, thanks for the advise. I sure will keep it in mind as I try to formulate the plan of attack to wake him up and get him back to some sort of reality.

[BigGQWesty]

All the best. Keep us updated. Hopefully your friend can be helped

Sent from a device which doesn't always agree with my thumbs...

Edited September 19, 2012 by BigGQWesty

[Oldmate]

No worries Mate. Once again, hope it works out